How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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