its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
