I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
