oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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