Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
