I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
