Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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