If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
