Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
