how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
