I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
