I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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