I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
