Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
