It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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