did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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