I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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