A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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