It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
