Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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