4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude