I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
