Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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