A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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