I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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