im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
