I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
