i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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