I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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