Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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