I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
