So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
