Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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