Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
