I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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