I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
