there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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