alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
