btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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