i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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