we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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