and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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