also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize
