Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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