I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
