Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
