I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
