Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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