We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He better not be in your backpack
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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