I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
