i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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