how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
