just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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