you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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