Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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