Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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