if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
