I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
