the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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