Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
