I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
