Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
