I have demons in me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she looked like the before picture.
We got so high we made milksteak
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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